How to Keep Our Balance When Life Gets Shaky

Celebrate every day!

We are already six months into the year and are anxious to celebrate our country's 244th birthday, July 4th, 1776--the day when the Declaration of Independence was adopted by Congress and still stands today!  

No, we are not going to have a history lesson here today. We are simply saying that the celebration of America is more than just sparklers and fireworks (although those are lots of fun!). Instead, we want to point out that our lives can be a celebration too--every day. 

Now that we are out on our own and living as single-again women, what could we say is our greatest feeling of all? Would it be the peace we now enjoy? Would it be relief from all the chaos and verbal and physical abuse? How about freedom? All of these and more are a reason to celebrate and fill our hearts with unexplainable joy.

Our Own Independence Day

If our lives don't exactly feel that way (yet), it's okay! We may still be mourning for a life left behind even though that life wasn't what we imagined it should be way back when. Now, think about this: all that freedom we talked about in the above paragraph can be scary and maybe the reason that keeps us from moving forward.   

We have many difficult choices right now so it may seem easier to just turn back and grab for something that is no longer there, which only causes confusion and emptiness. But when we look at our own Independence Day and determine to move through the open doorway, we’ll see the possibilities for our best life on the other side. And our hearts will dance and sing! 

The momentum that escorts us through that door is exciting. It’s like riding a bicycle for the first time in many, many years. We won’t have time to look back but only to view the passing scenery. There are so many things to do, places to go, and plans to make that our days will fly by! We certainly have had ideas running around in our heads for years that we are now free to make happen.

Ready to ride?

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” (Albert Einstein)

This quote is a favorite of this blogger because it displays an attitude of never giving up. If one thing doesn’t work in our lives, we can try another way. If traveling in one direction is frustrating, we can choose a friendlier path. We cannot allow any detours to get in our way because we are determined and know what we want. We just must go after it. Today!

New, Fresh, and Hopeful

Hooray! We are on our way! Planning, experimenting, and seeking wise counsel are all part of this new way to rebuild our lives. We may even want to find other women who are traveling in the same direction. In fact, it is advisable to do so. They may be struggling at the beginning or learning to navigate in the middle or have nearly reached the finish line. So, someone will be able to come alongside us to help no matter where we are on the journey.

The Bible says, “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT).

If we keep our eyes and ears open and sense something missing while planning our adventure, it may just be a lack of support from others. We shouldn’t feel as if we need to keep our new marital status a secret fearing what others will say. If our attitudes are new, fresh, and hopeful, others can’t help but see improvement in us. And they are the ones we can count on for a friendly face.

"A miserable heart means a miserable life; a cheerful heart fills the day with song" (Proverbs 15:15 The Msg).

Nine New Steps in the Right Direction

Beloved Pooh

As hard as he tried, English author, A. A. Milne, never outlived his most famous children’s book of 1926, Winnie the Pooh. He genuinely wanted to write other genres such as mysteries, drama, and poetry—which he did several--but once the Pooh stories arrived, that was what Milne was forever known for afterward.

In 2003, Winnie the Pooh was listed in the UK at number seven on the BBC's poll of the “best-loved novels" of all time. Three years later, Winnie the Pooh received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, marking the 80th birthday of Milne's creation. And many of our children grew up going to sleep with a Pooh bear right beside him/her!

This endearing story of A. A. Milne goes to show that we are often known for our reputation, whether good or bad, and it can follow us around for decades. Either way, if we never give up, amazing things can happen in our lives. Just remember a quote from Milne, “You’re braver than you believe and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”    

Not Giving Up!

We have gone through what seems like a never-ending drama ourselves. Maybe it is still very fresh in our minds, or some of us are still navigating the first year or two after a break-up, and others are well on their way to a new destination. One thing is clear: we are all survivors! 

Whichever season we are currently living in, not giving up must be part of our daily script. Why? Well, that's a good question, so think about this one, what would I be doing instead of “not giving up?”

Time for coffee!

Yes, sometimes, we don't even want to drag ourselves out of bed in the morning. It's too warm and cozy. It's safe and secure. We don't have to get dressed. And we could turn our phones off, so no one bothers us. That's understandable; we've all been there, but who would get the coffee/tea? (Smile break).  

Remember the script: we are not giving up! We've made it this far, so we already know hiding under the covers does not match up with our new role as a survivor. And the more we practice our part, the better we become and the further we go.

A Better Way to Enjoy Life

Let's jump into the middle here. For whatever reason--divorce, the death of our spouse, or single mom status--we are on our own now. It still feels strange and will always feel different. But now, we must figure out which path to take that will create the absolute best life we can manage. 

Most likely, a new routine would be extremely helpful to our well-being at this point. Trying to do everything the way it always was as a couple creates a lot of stress. Consider some of these fun and encouraging stress-busters and then add your own to the list. 

Nine New Steps in the Right Direction  

• Choose a new path for your daily walk and smell the iris.
• Make stir-fry instead of the usual and bland broccoli dish.
• Do the laundry on Thursdays instead of Mondays.
• Change the furniture around and buy new pillows.
• Take a class in flower arranging or horticulture.
• Share lunch with a single neighbor.
• Sleep in the middle of the bed (a favorite).
• Attend the late church service instead of the early one. 
• Challenge yourself and move to a new place/town/state.

Lost and Found

The road we are on right now will lead somewhere that's for sure. But, where? We have a choice which way to go, but we need a Guide to get us to the right destination because it is easy to get lost and never get anywhere. Then years later we will wonder what happened and why we are still in a rut. The Good News is we have the perfect One to help us and his plan is free of charge! The "ticket" is Prayer and it can be used over and over and over. Find yours today in God's book, the Holy Bible.      

"Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow" (Psalm 25:4 NLT).

Where Can We Find Help?

Use caution!

No one in their right minds would ever want to come across or tempt an animal such as a wild tiger. Especially one that is not in a good mood! Of course, we can probably all remember the famous duo, Siegfried & Roy who made a career out of training and handling wild animals and they were very good at it for many years entertaining audiences in Las Vegas. (Roy had a stroke on stage and his white tiger bit him ending Roy’s career. He died recently on May 8, 2020, from Covid-19).

Many of us are animal lovers and some not. Animals can be demanding but they certainly warm our hearts and offer companionship. And they do such funny things! But we admit, there are animals who have a grumpy attitude about them causing us a not-so-happy encounter if we have ever had the unfortunate occasion of being bitten.

Amazingly, grumpiness is a trait that can affect humans too, especially when faced with a life-changing situation such as a divorce or even a death in the family. Just ask, how often have I felt grumpy lately?

Turning Grumpy into Cheerful

It happens. Yes, it does. In fact, it is almost expected in the first days, weeks, and months following a divorce or death in the family. So, let’s not beat ourselves up over it; it’s a normal feeling. Of course, over an extended period, it is not so enjoyable, entertaining, or exhilarating. All that anxiety, worry, and distress can ruin our health.  

Hopefully, that uncomfortable state has passed for now. But in case it is still hanging around like a bad household odor, what might we do to reach a better frame of mind? Some of the following ideas have helped many women to find their “happy” place. Start by remembering this famous quip:

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.” [Jessie Potter, educator, and counselor at the Woman to Woman Conference, 1981]

[Please note this quote was made popular much later by motivational speaker Tony Robbins].

Finding Our Happy Place

Get out and be happy!

• Read – go to the local library and find dozens of books on attitudes, gratitude, and making progress as a single-again woman. (Of course, Kindle works too). A good starting place because we don’t know what we don’t know!
• Connect – sitting home alone isn’t going to work. Better to open the Contacts on our smartphones or computer and count how many friends (especially single ones) we’ve been missing and make a friendly call today!
•  Talk - there is no shame or harm in speaking with a professional counselor or pastor about how to move past our past which is like an anchor holding us down.
•  Record – start journaling. Really. Instead of feeling angry, grumpy, and down, we can take our thoughts to the pages of our notebook (no one else will see it). Try to make this a daily habit and see what fabulous results we get. It doesn’t need to be lengthy. Nine minutes while drinking our coffee or tea in the morning is great. Now, we can begin our day refreshed!
•  Celebrate – one of the worse things we can do is decline invitations to have fun with people. It gets easier every time we say “Yes.” Just this one thing can cause a positive reaction in your mind and suddenly grumpiness is a thing of the past.

There are millions of things we can do to become the person we’ve always wanted to be. Do we have to change? Sure. Life is stale without change. But we can be in the driver’s seat this time around and create for ourselves a brand-new world just the way we dream of!

Who Is Going to Help Us?

One of the best things about reaching a point in our life we can be proud of is being able to share it with others. Wanting to help other women who are still struggling with bitterness, negative thoughts, and uncomfortable feelings is truly a gift. We’ve been there—we’re experts. We know how it goes and there are lots of options others need to hear about.

Speaking of “help,” none of these suggestions and tips will work without first asking the Lord God to direct our steps. He’s way ahead of us and is just waiting for us to talk to him about our lives and where they are going. He’s got ideas! So, perfect as he is, upon accepting him as Lord of our life, he will gladly give us his Helper called the Holy Spirit. His Spirit will provide guidance, wisdom, and discernment. And how can we go any further without those?

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us” (2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT).

Do You Feel Out of Control?

Never stop learning

When we are children, our brains are like sponges! We soak up all the information we can get as fast as we can. In fact, it is known that ninety percent of our brain growth occurs by the age of five! Wow! [www.firstthingsfirst.org]

Therefore, it is so important to teach our young children and expose them to as much educational material and experiences as we can. It’s exceedingly difficult to spend a lot of time and attention on our kids when we are single-again parents. We all know this but if what we are teaching is presented in a fun and enjoyable way, our child will absorb and retain the lesson almost immediately for life. And so, we read bedtime stories, we play games with them, we apply numbers and the alphabet into their daily lives, we listen to them and so much more.

Prejudice by Instruction

The lessons we teach our children/grandchildren also include how to handle emotions that will carry them throughout their lives. It’s what we grow up with and in many cases, what kind of people we become. Feelings like happiness and joyfulness, kindness, warmth, friendliness, gratitude, patience, and, of course, love and on and on are created by our circumstances and relationships with others.

Unfortunately, these same situations can and do create unwanted feelings such as intenseness, judgements, prejudice, misunderstandings, not “seeing” the other person, and violence to name but a few. It’s a known fact that “young children learn about prejudice by instruction, and older children by experience.” [www.sciencedaily.com]

They go on to say, “Research has shown that between ages 3 and 6, children learn about and begin to apply stereotypes and can recognize overt discrimination…But between 6 and 10 years old, they become aware of other people's stereotypes, able to perceive subtle discrimination by age 10. We need to help create situations and environments that foster positive experiences among children from all backgrounds."

Is Change Possible?

Learn how to love!

What we have seen in our nation over the last two weeks is certainly appalling. No one wants to see or experience such horror again. The subject is deeper than we can cover or explain here, and we certainly are not the experts. Let us just say that if we want to see change—if we want our children to learn better--we must realize and accept there have been rights and wrongs on both sides of the protest line and begin there. We only need to read the history books to know discrimination, prejudice, and hatred have been in existence since time began. BUT, so have kindness, goodness, joy, and love! May we not allow this nightmare to continue. ALL people deserve a chance. We can do better! We can learn better!

Who Has the Last Word?

It seems as long as we can remember, when situations in our lives get out of control and we know nothing else to do, we turn around and blame the God of the Universe for everything that’s wrong in the world. It’s pretty common, but it’s about as incorrect as we can get.

There are two truths to consider: first, the God of the Universe is also the God of Creation. Nothing exists without Him. After He breathed life into the world, (heavens, earth, light (day), darkness (night), water, sky, land, seas, vegetation, stars, sea and land animals, and human beings) He had a wonderful plan.

Because God loved people, He created a real place for them called the Garden of Eden. It was His perfect and wonderful environment filled with all good things. This is how God wanted the world to exist forever…the perfect gift…with no room for anger or violent struggles.

The second truth for us to know is that human beings (mainly Adam and Eve) quite frankly, messed everything up. They disobeyed God and sinned against Him. The Garden of Eden was no longer the perfect place. They had children, Cain and Abel, who also sinned. And on and on and on…

Humans were out of control. God was not. We cannot blame our problems and actions on Him. Why? Because He is the God of Love. That’s all He wants for us. Love. He’s our perfect example. We have misplaced the blame.

Let’s turn around and try harder. It will be worth it.

“So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 NLT).

“Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13 NLT).

[We challenge you to read all 13 verses of 1 Corinthians 13].

The 180 Degree Shift for a Better Life

Sort and Organize

Someone once noted that during the first 50 years of our life we go about acquiring things and in the last 50 years of our life we will go about getting rid of our things! Hence the importance of neighborhood garage/patio sales. Now, of course with this pandemic, we may not be ready for such a “gathering” quite yet. However, since we have the time, this is the best opportunity for clearing out, organizing, and preparing for our next garage sale whenever that may come along.  

Many single-again women have already tackled a type of “environmental cleansing” simply because of the need to re-arrange living situations. Maybe it was a move to a new house, renting out a room in the present house, or finally getting around to discarding all the hoarding trash that has collected over the years in every room of the house. It may not have been something we desired to do at the time, but still, we were compelled to face the idea of de-cluttering vs. getting buried in things and possessions that only reminded us of a life we were trying to let go of.       

Talk About Dizziness!

Depending on how long it has been since our marital status moved to a different column on our tax forms (divorced, widowed, or single mom), it has changed us both on the inside as well as the outside. We are not the same women we once were whether we recognize it or not. And that may be the precise key to some strange feelings of woe—sadness, heartbreak, worry, and gloom—that attack us now and then. We just are not the same and we are having trouble admitting that fact. We have shifted 180 degrees, but our heads are lagging. Talk about dizziness!   

It’s possible we may be trying to fight what’s going on inside instead of “going with the flow” and finding peace. Our life has changed and is anxious to get on with the business of living while at the same time, we are stuck in “quicksand.” Life itself is still moving faster than ever and, true, time is not going to wait for us. It’s a matter of trying to discover who we are and what we really need now.                    

Blogging is a home-based business

If that familiar “Aha” moment is knocking at the door, that’s a great sign. Deep inside we all wish for the absolute best to happen now that we are on our own. Of course, it will be different for each one of us. For some who have lost jobs because of the pandemic, their top priority is just to find a job to pay the bills and put food on the table. Or figuring out the best way to homeschool the kids who cannot go back to classes yet. Maybe it’s moving to a more economical home in a new neighborhood, maybe even a neighboring state. Perhaps it’s starting a new home-based business we've always wanted to open. These goals are all important for sure and we do need most of them to survive. But on the other hand, we must not be “glued” to them but, instead, understand that most will change over time. We may find an even better job. The kids will go back to school eventually. We may move again at some point. So, enjoy anything good that comes along, but don't count them as a forever thing. 

Finding the Recipe for Peace

Just like all that clutter we want to get rid of in our next garage sale, we will be more content and peaceful if we continue the process of cleaning out the junk both in our homes and in our minds. Figure out what is important to keep and dump the rest. Hint: if we keep looking for empty boxes to store it all away (and never use it again), we don’t need it! [Okay, maybe the annual holiday decorations can stay...insert Smile here]. We can only use so much “stuff” in our lives, so keep sorting, donating, and dumping until a new feeling of happiness invades our very existence! Strive for less chaos and disarray (some call this minimalism) to make room for peace, joy, and pure contentment. These are the things that will last forever, and we can't have too many of them!        

An amazing man named Paul once said, “I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One [God] who makes me who I am” (Philippians 4:12-13 MSG).