Can You See Through the Fog of Change?

We may ask, is my life ever going to be right again? Aside from the pandemic, which is catastrophic enough, how are we supposed to get back to normal--whatever that is--after such a devastating and heart-breaking ending to our marriage? Certainly, it would be much easier to just throw up our hands and scream, it is never going to be the same again, so why try?

It does appear that way when we cannot see past the fog of change. We naturally resist transformation in any form, whether it is good for our hearts, minds, and souls or not. But here is the stinging question: do we really want the same unloving relationship? The one with no affection? The one that lost its electrifying connection? No, of course not. We would like to have the charming person we first met. But not the morphed version that came later. Never that!

Building a Better Life

Then, the sun comes out and we see the light! Every single person on the face of this earth shifts and shuffles from day to day. Minute by minute. Inch by inch. The irony lies in the fact, we cannot change each other. Ever. Practice saying that out loud! We can only change ourselves and our response to that person.

Each individual has to look in the mirror and say, I have a problem, and I need to fix it. Until that happens, no improvement can be expected. It is like banging our heads against a brick wall. Useless.

Our initial impulse is to take those bricks...and throw them? No! We did not say that now did we. Those bricks are useful for building a better life, not for re-arranging someone’s skull! That is the best life for us at this particular time and place. What that architecture looks like will be different for each one of us.

• Some of us will seek and share a new, mature relationship with all the perks.
• Some will plant a seed and grow on an individual level first.
• Some will find that outlets for creative expression in education, work, and extracurricular activities are more important to them at the moment.

There are no incorrect blueprints here. Only that we never let the momentum stop!

Who Can We Talk to About Our Life?

It is as if God is saying with outstretched arms, Fear not, dear child of mine, I am here. If you only let me, you will see how this will all work out. Let us sit down and talk. Can’t we just see and hear Him saying that to us?

“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen” (Jeremiah 29:11-12 The Message).

 

 

Do You Want to Build a Peaceful Life?

Strive for Peace 

Today we celebrate the birthday and achievements of Martin Luther King, Jr. He was a Baptist minister whose passion drove him to publicly support peace and non-violent means to end segregation in America during the 1960s. He was both admired and despised, esteemed and insignificant, prominent and an instigator.

However we choose to view him and what he stood for, we must admit he wished for nothing but change to come. For peace to rule our nation. For discrimination to be wiped out. MLK was eventually awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964. Four years later he was assassinated.

Where Exactly is Peace Found?

All of us must work hard at creating peace in our lives. Single-again women may find it even more difficult right after a breakup or divorce, but it can be done if we don’t give up! The rewards are worth it. Let's consider some practical ways to start building our most peaceful life now.

·                     Just like the support groups repeat at each meeting, it's important to take one step at a time. That’s not just a cliché because rushing through this period in our lives will make for a shaky foundation. Start with whatever is most important right this moment. Is it a job? A better or more appropriate place to live? A new passion? Finding new friends? Tackling one victory at a time will not be so overwhelming.

·                     Find the positives every day. Go forward, not left, right, or backwards. Dwelling on all the mess of the past and how hard it is to get out of bed, will not get us anywhere. Before snuggling under the nightly covers, make a small “To-Do” list of no more than three things. Set the alarm, program the coffeemaker, schedule the calendar to get moving after waking. If it helps, we can turn on happy music when cleaning the house. There are a million ways to make this happen. Now, things are looking up!

·                     Build a community of people to depend on. A new single-again life requires single-again friends to do things with and to call on when we need help. They have been in our shoes. They know how to do this thing called "living." Welcome their invitations to go places or to join a club and find a new hobby.

·                     We know that mistakes happen. Don’t freak out, just learn from them or else risk repeating them and, who wants that? Get on our computers and read up on how to build positive lives. Try several new ways to make this happen because everything we’ve tried in the past may not have worked out. Our confidence will soar as we see results!

·                     No fantasies! They aren't real and will only cause us frustration. If having a large mansion isn't in the budget right now, find something that is beautiful and that we can be proud of showing. Simple is good. Anyway, it's trendy to go "minimalist" in the decorating arena. Two hundred and fifty dollar jeans are not reasonable; only shop the "sale" racks (or better yet, discount stores) for clothes.

·                     Know that true and lasting peace only comes from God. He has been called the Prince of Peace so His intervention in our lives will make everything right in our world. Without Him, difficulties will continue to pile onto each other, and we will get lost once again. He's there. He has the answers. Let’s not leave Him out of our plans.

The Icing on the Cake: Patience

None of the above tips will work without Patience as a companion. Take a breath and remember these two truths:

Challenges - we grow and mature through the "ugly stuff" in our lives. Yes, there is a reason for everything we experience; no one is exempt. Even a rose has thorns! We can find our purpose for the thorns in our sides, if only we show a little tenacity and patience. We can do this!

Attitudes - how we react and treat others with patience will amaze them. Break the mold and be willing to display the kind and loving woman inside. It's really contagious!

“For the Scriptures say, ‘If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days…Search for peace, and work to maintain it” (1 Peter 3:10-11 NLT).

“I know all the things you do. I have seen your hard work and your patient endurance…” (Rev 2:2a NLT).

Will Your New Home Feel Just Like Your Old Home?

Your Own Safety Zone

The oldest house in America, built in the year 1637 in Massachusetts, still stands after eight generations of families. What amazing construction and solid foundation it obviously had from the beginning, and, there wasn’t even any Home Depot in those days! The owner (architect) surely required the workers (builders) to listen to his direction and wise expertise. The result still remains!

Attempting to build our own haven--our safety zone--without the correct tools, materials, and know-how will quickly shake our foundation to the core. We want our new life to stand on its own for a very long time. Like a home built on solid rock. We want to do all we can to protect and secure a better future.

  

Blueprint Examiner

Putting some effort into finding out what went wrong in our past, will prevent us from repeating the same mistakes. It will give us insight into how to readjust and improve our thinking and actions in any new relationship. This is not a “blame and shame” game. There is no room for that here. This is an honest look at the blueprint that wasn’t right for us from the beginning.

We start by asking ourselves some hard, but important questions. We are all different women with unique situations. So, the answers must come from our own open, frank, and sincere observation of ourselves. Additionally, it’s always a good idea to speak with a counselor. Without spending time finding the answers to the following questions, the “new” home will mysteriously feel just like the “old” home.

·                     What steps have been taken to heal?

·                     Are there still problems to resolve?

·                     What unmet personal goals do we need to work on?

·                     Are we ready yet for another relationship?

·                     How long ago did we meet this new man?

·                     Have we spent family dinners, holidays, and get-togethers with him?

·                     Do we have the same faith, beliefs, likes, and dislikes?

·                     Have we prayed for discernment in this relationship?

·                     Have we seen him at his best, as well as his worse?

·                     If there are children, do we get along with each other’s children?

·                     Is there affection on both sides?

Build your best life!

These are by no means all the issues to consider when approaching another marriage in the future. We are smart women and now know what we need in a relationship, and what we don’t. How we get the relationship God intends for us will require caution, personal examination, and daily conversation with God.

    

Get the Best Architect

God wisely advises us to listen to Him and follow His direction. He asks this of us so that we will be protected under His loving hand. . .so that we will have adequate shelter from the storms of life that threaten to destroy us.

The best blueprint for our home on earth is recorded in the pages between Genesis through Revelation in the Bible. Be sure to check this Answer Book.          

“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock” (Matthew 7:24 NLT).

How to Build a Life from What You Have

Find a gear and take off!

There are as many funny stories about how a child (who us?) learns to ride a bicycle as there are wheels in a factory. It's likely the first dramatic event in our lives once we conquer how to walk! True, it may hurt (depending on how many times we fall) but most children wipe their tears and determinedly get back on the bicycle. Then comes the much-anticipated result when we finally speed down the road with our hair flying! 

    

We may remember those days trying to learn all we could to become independent even if it hurt. As an adult, it wasn't much different when we fought through the pain, agony, and determination just to get to a better place in our lives as single-again women. But we did it! Now what? 

What Gear Is Next?

Someone once said, "It's what you do after [the] mess that counts." That is very good advice whether on a bicycle or in life. Sure, it does take time to move through a period of adjustment and it's not always the most pleasant thing we've ever done. But it's necessary, otherwise, we will remain in a state of despair leading to the debilitating world of depression. And no one wants that, ever!

Basically, there are two different kinds of situations where we come from in this chapter of our lives. We either:

(a) have known for a very long time that we would be dealing with a separation of some sort such as a pending divorce or the terminal illness of a spouse. In these instances, we probably have been planning in some way for the outcome. We are not saying it is any easier just because we have known it, just that we are aware. 

(b) it is sudden, and sometimes, a shocking event that catches us off-guard. In this instance, we may initially tend to panic and/or experience anger which is entirely normal. Having people we trust near-by to help navigate the days ahead makes it easier to reach a sense of peace and a clear head.  

New Gears to Try  

After an initial period of grieving our loss, we may have a pretty good idea of what we want to do now with our lives. Or not. Each situation is different, and we are not here to tell you when or how to begin a new life. We are here only to support and encourage you in whatever direction you want to go. 

We've been there and hope some of these ideas may find you anxious to build something new:

Take baby steps and don't be afraid to try new things.

Grieving can be lonely so it's okay to join a support group.

Find a new hobby. Experts say creativity is a healing art.

Be sure to get plenty of sleep. It's important for the brain.   

Focus on your health and keep moving.

Keep this in mind: "Life is like a 10-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use." (Charles Schulz, Peanuts cartoon)

Faith is Your Best Friend!

Coffee with a friend. Yummy!

Now is the time to enjoy friends even just for a simple cup of coffee or tea. God, in fact, provides us with these friendships that cross our path. It is how He gives us warmth and comfort along with a way to talk things through with those who might be just one or two steps ahead of us in their own grieving journey. Hold out your hand; God will take you there!

"So don't lose a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others" (2 Peter 1:5-7 MSG).

How To Build an Amazing Journey

Grand Canyon in Arizona

 In America, we have some of the most magnificent sites and they are not just for tourists from around the world who visit. Americans would be wise to see these attractions themselves so they can have first-hand knowledge of their own country. The Grand Canyon in Arizona is one of those amazing places.

There simply is nothing like this Canyon. On average, 4.5 million visitors annually are attracted to this extra large “hole” in the ground that measures 277 miles long, up to 18 miles wide and over a mile deep.

The staff at curiosity.com says, “The water from ALL the world’s rivers would only fill the Grand Canyon halfway! You can actually see the Grand Canyon from space. . .The river that carved the Grand Canyon is the Colorado River, which is only 100 meters wide. The Mississippi and Amazon Rivers are far bigger, but neither have made a giant canyon. So how did this one canyon get so grand? The Colorado River is unique in that is transports 500,000 tons of silt and sand every day. And for every mile the river travels, it drops 10 miles down. While this river took care of carving away a deep slit in the canyon, gravity and weather helped make the Grand Canyon wider and wider. But that's not the end of the story: The Grand Canyon is getting deeper and wider every day!!”

One Amazing Journey

As a single-again woman who has gone through the deepest and longest ordeal of your life, the Grand Canyon may not seem that amazing. (But we still suggest a trip there to see. It may help put everything into perspective). You are on an adventurous journey of your own and the sights are all new, to say the least. Scary maybe, but not impossible.

What you do and how you do it, will determine how wonderful and amazing your life really can be. The alternative, of course, is to sit and brood all day, every day and end up nowhere, sad and lonely. It’s definitely up to you because you are on your own now and no one can make decisions for you. No one is forcing you to move on. For those who wish to have a better life though, the options are endless. Ready to go? This is exciting!

You may be just starting--the first stage--or you may be in the middle or approaching the exact spot you are aiming for. It doesn’t matter how fast or how slow you wish to go. What does matter is that you never give up! You have dreams and ideas way in the back of your head that have been there for years. So, it’s time to get them out on the table like puzzle pieces and have some fun.

In fact, if you are a visual person and want to see this in a creative and concrete way, you could create a puzzle out of each piece of your dream. Choose Option 1 or 2 below whichever appeals to you.

OPTION 1: Puzzle

1. Grab some colored poster board or construction paper
2. Cut the whole piece into many different, odd, and crazy shapes
3. On the back side of each one, name one small thing you want to see happen (i.e., take a creative class at your community college; change the furniture around; buy new dishes at a local thrift store; change all bedding for new ones)
4. On the front, number each one so they fit together in order
5. On a separate piece of large poster board (different color), put your “puzzle” together, numbers facing up and secure with “movable” double sided tape

Done! It’s beautiful!

TO USE: Now each morning/week go to your puzzle and pick one number, check the back, and decide this is what you will do today. No guessing or getting stuck about what to do with your new life. This will point you in the right direction. Keep it up!

OPTION 2: Colored Image (something easier)

1. Purchase one of those numerous “adult coloring books”
2. Choose a page with separate elements, like flowers
3. Number and name each one with a “dream” item (see #3 above)
4. Let those items correspond with each day of the week/month

TO USE: each day color just one image you have named. When done, this is your guide for what to do that particular day. Easy, fun, and effective.

Beautiful Joy

Wide, Long, High and Deep

Your life can be as fun and interesting as you want. Whatever your passion, you can make it come true and create a beautiful life full of joy. As you go about each day, you will see just how very much God loves you and is willing to Guide you in all areas. Start each morning asking for His direction and thanking Him for all He provides.

Remember, His love for you is bigger than the Grand Canyon. Wow! In fact, HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO MADE IT! Plan a trip to see His Amazing Grace!

"And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is" (Ephesians 3:18-19 NLT).