What’s Your Next Queue?

While savoring our first or second cup of morning coffee or tea, maybe at our local coffee shop, we may be thinking of our long "To Do" list for the day after the kids are safely delivered to school. Funny how yesterday we thought that list was going to get shorter. But somehow, it’s right back again today with twenty different things to handle. Will it ever go away so we can have time for ourselves? Depends.

Grrr! It’s endless. So we may be asking ourselves how in the world other women get all the chores and errands done in a 24-hour day. Certainly, there are women out there that are experts at organizing and planning. In fact, many have made careers out of becoming professional organizers and it’s fascinating, especially if we are not gifted in that particular area.

Your Queue: First Things First

There are companies who pride themselves on teaching their employees how to organize themselves. In fact, one such company (which will go unnamed) bases the annual review of an employee on that exact subject. Years ago (most likely before all the personal tech items were available) this company held mandatory classes in maintaining a personal and work-related Day Planner and they were quite serious about it. The employee was required to bring the Planner with them to the review. Their annual salary was based on that Day Planner! That’s how important the whole organizing and planning aspect was to them.

Having personal skills to stay organized is a valuable life lesson for sure. This is why there are so many tech tools, programs, apps, classes, etc to help us all out of our daily chaos. It’s a big business. And getting organized can help us to get those errands and projects in our lives done. If “tech” isn’t your thing, go the “old school” way and figure out first things first--your queue--on paper.  

Priorities are what it is all about. A great way to do this is list everything that needs to be done in the next 24 hours as you think of them, including big and little things. Don’t forget to include doctor appointments, network meetings, dog grooming, and your child's science project! Next, assign a letter to each item, like A for All-important, B for Bite (as it will come back and bite you), and C for Cramp (too many things pushed until tomorrow will cramp your style). If you are more visual, color coding works too. It might look like this (don’t go crazy, they don’t have to be in order):

C - Clean out the pantry.

A - Annual Doctor visit today.

B - Get tires rotated on the car.

A - Pick up daughter after dance lesson.

B - Drop off library books.

A - Type up a draft for the meeting.

C - Plant fall flowers in the garden.

B - Get to the gym.

A - College accounting exam this evening.

O.k., you’ve got this. Now tackle all the urgent “A” items first, then “B” if you possibly can, and finally “C,” or they can be pushed to tomorrow if needed. Whether it’s a printed Day Planner or a digital device calendar, once you get the hang of this, your days will go much smoother from here on out.

Only One AA Item

There is only one category that is considered an AA item, and it’s not a battery. The rest of the A, B, C list will never work out as planned without first making Quiet Time with God each morning. This is your AA item. Don’t ignore it or push it to the C list because you’ll be left wondering how you went in circles and arrived right back at a state of chaos and confusion.

“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing” John 15:5 NLT.

Are You in a Holding Pattern?

It takes lots of courage, or what some of our grandmas called chutzpah, to get used to waking up each morning by ourselves. Living alone requires confidence and a determination to change our lives for the better. It’s not easy, for sure. No one ever said it would be. But, we can breathe deeper and just know we are going to make it.  

We are going to make the bed, make the coffee, and make breakfast that we put on a plate with a napkin and enjoy the morning sunshine. Because we deserve joy. We simply can’t miss this opportunity that we’ve been given to make a 180-degree turn. We’re moving and growing and getting stronger by the minute! And isn’t that what we wanted all along?

Hold On

Many women struggle with this idea of a solo journey. And sometimes, there are others out there who insist on telling us not to worry, someone just right for you will come along. This can be very discouraging and aggravating, as it infers we are not okay the way we are at this particular moment. And that is simply not true at all. So, let’s not get discouraged. We know who we are and what we want, or at least, we are going in that direction. Amazingly, it may not be a new man in our lives right now. Presently, we are just taking the time and space to figure things out.

It’s enough to simply concentrate on developing our possibilities and passions. Just discovering what we can or want to do with our lives will create this whole new person who is competent, capable, and courageous. And that is a very attractive personality trait! We find out we never have to strive and wrestle with finding someone to share our lives. A new relationship will just happen naturally when we least expect it; when it is meant to happen.

Which brings us to another important point. Some women put their lives on hold waiting for Mr. Right. They stress and worry and wonder how they can possibly attract another marriage partner. They simply refuse to be happy until this happens. Many times the search continues day after day while they are not even past the hurt, defeat, and humiliation of the previous union. This can be the perfect ingredient for another painful relationship.

We were each made for a particular and definite purpose and that is the joy in all this striving! Now we only need to open our eyes and recognize the vibrant colors and delicious flavors that bring spice to our lives. The hobbies we really love doing, the one project that makes us happier than all the others, the abilities we already have that can enhance our experiences. If we put effort into remembering way back when we had dreams that were never fulfilled, we will automatically know in which direction to go with our lives.

And, THEN, while “doing life” in this way, we become fulfilled and enlightened to what we were supposed to do with our lives all along. Here’s the key: while enjoying ourselves and finding our purpose, we just might find ourselves in the middle of a new relationship. Or not. It’s our choice--we have the freedom at that point. And that’s a beautiful thing!

Your Forever Love

One very important focal point to guide our journey is to remember: God did not promise us a spouse, no matter what anyone says. He may bring one to us anyway, but it is not a given. Just don’t lose hope; being single is not an affliction. What God did promise to each and every one of us is that He will NEVER leave or forsake us. Ever! He is the One who loves us with a deep and forever love.

“Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you” Deuteronomy 31:8 NLT.

Nine Basics for a Fresh Beginning

Way back since our childhood, we have all developed a fear of something. It may be silly or serious. Disturbing or drastic. Mind-blowing or mind-boggling. It may not even have a name or technically be called a phobia, but we know what drives our fear. Some things we outgrow with time. Others increase in intensity. And many times scary situations are created by someone in our lives.

We may have felt androphobia at one time in our past. This is the fear of men and there could be many different reasons for this feeling. It can be caused by abuse or physical assault. An overly dominant, demanding, or cruel father. An attack by a stranger on the street. Or rape when we least expected it. All of these types of acts should never be assigned blame or shame to ourselves or by ourselves. Ever.

We may have feared men (plural) in the past, but we can get past that debilitating hurdle by looking at our situation a bit differently. Not all men are monsters. Many may be, yes, but not all. Most likely, it was one person who chose to hurt us by allowing his anger to get out of control. Most assuredly, his personality was/is flawed. And no amount of wishing or revenge on our part is going to change that fact. Can we agree?

We can find a better way to handle our feelings. Our responsibility now lies only in taking care of ourselves and setting boundaries to protect our lives in the future. This is not a dismissal of whatever type of abuse took place; on the contrary, this is a call to recreate a sense of power--the ability to take control of our own lives.

And it can be done. Each of us may determine our own course in our own way depending on what we need at the moment. We are unique. Many of us may find it necessary to seek a professional counselor or therapist to sort things out; this is wise and perfectly okay. We may have a mother or sister we are close enough to that will listen to our pain and offer nonjudgmental and compassionate advice if we are open to it. We may find welcoming and friendly support groups. Whatever we decide is up to us.

What is not a good idea is to keep it all inside. Unexpressed feelings often lead to deep depression, bitterness, and anger among other things. And that only encourages the androphobia. We’ve all heard of people who never leave their house again after an abusive incident. This creates a second phobia called agoraphobia. Which causes a third. And a fourth. And. . .

Nine Basics to Begin

When we choose to face our fears and do something about them, we find life begins on a whole new level. No one said this is easy to do. It takes a certain amount of effort and courage. But here’s the best part: it is possible! Start with these options (they do not need to be done in order):

• 

  Anything is possible with God!

  Tell someone. Choose first a trusted and compassionate friend
• Ask your doctor for a recommendation of therapists
• If needed, contact the local Bar Association for a reputable attorney
• Use identity protection (including changing passwords often)
• Get a safe deposit box for important papers
• If you haven’t already, find a church home to be part of
• Move, or change locks and get home security
• Enroll in a self defense class
• Force yourself to get out of the house daytime and nighttime--with a friend!

These are only basics. There are many other ways to gain control over your life. Keep talking to other women. Ask what they do. This is where a support group becomes valuable.

Comfort Needed!

What all these suggestions do--in a nutshell--is supply physical comfort for our journey. We may not have felt comfort in quite awhile. We have even forgotten exactly how it feels. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there for us to claim. Even before we knew we needed it, God was there supplying it. Yes, God was even in the midst of our sorrow. Unlike some people believe, He didn’t cause our hurt; evil men did. But God has the cure! Go to Him and ask how to receive His love. He will gladly share with you!    

“Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside” Psalm 73:21 NLT.

“Is God’s comfort too little for you? Is his gentle word not enough?” Job 15:11 NLT.

Have You Opened Your Surprise Gift?

Ahhh, summer is on its way! We think and dream of beach vacations where we can wiggle our toes in the sand and slather on the suntan lotion. Or, it might be more our style relaxing in the cool mountain pines and camping out near a lake. Whatever we choose to do with our next summer vacation, we need to take it all in with a sense of wonder and awe, grateful for what has been given to us.

If an out-of-town vacation is out of the question, we can put effort into creating something fun and unique to do near home. Take a different route on a daily walk and discover new sights that have been taken for granted. No one has ever seen every single site within twenty miles of their own home. Now is the time!

Take along a camera and capture the beauty of hometown sites then print, mat and frame the collection to hang on our walls. Visit local museums that have been bypassed, try a different nursery and buy a plant we’ve never nurtured before, and go on inexpensive day trips in our own state. The possibilities are endless.

Breathe!

Jumping into new adventures not only breaks the cycle of “sameness,” but helps us to deal with a few of the not-so-fun summer activities. June, of course, is the typical month for weddings. It seems like everyone we know has a significant other and is either getting married or getting engaged. We get invited to these celebrations and the good, bad, and in-between memories “light the corners of our minds.” Nostalgia sets in and we are at a loss to handle the feelings.

Take a deep breath and let it out s-l-o-w-l-y, because our emotions are normal. There is nothing wrong with our response, nor is there anything wrong with ourselves. Being single-again is not a curse as some seem to think! It just gives us more options and freedom to choose what we want to do. It’s critical to understand--whether we are single or married--both positions are equally important for different reasons.

We can consider singleness as a “gift,” just as marriage is a “gift.” Some people simply work better together as a team. But some of us enjoy the independence we have to get things done at a pace that works best for us. We are organized and know what we need to do to accomplish the next step. When our brains are in “think” mode, we enjoy the peace and quiet.

Believe It, or Not

God has much to say in the Bible about marriage. But, here is an amazing thought: it is not His only plan for humans! One of the most prolific men in the Bible is Paul. He wrote thirteen or fourteen books of the New Testament himself. That took a tremendous amount of time and concentrated effort, believe me. It’s not like he had a smart computer to make things go faster. No, he needed to spend day and night on his creativity. Better that he was never married. His wife would never have seen him if he was.

We could say Paul’s best “gift” was his singleness. He was able to serve the Lord with all he had in him without distractions or interruptions. Therefore, he felt he could do more for the Lord than if he had been married. Makes sense.

Although rare for women in the Bible to remain single, there are a few. None more famous than Deborah, the first and only woman judge over Israel. Wow! She would have fit right into the 21st Century with no problem! Deborah, most likely, recognized a “higher calling” and served the Lord with courage (no reference material speaks of Deborah as ever being married).

Please remember: remaining single, or not, is between you and God. He knows and cares about your situation. He has a plan. Ask for His wisdom and he will direct you in the way you should go.

“But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows--it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am” (1 Corinthians 7:7-8 NLT).

Forging a New Way

Time does, in fact, seem to heal many things. This doesn’t mean everything will remain exactly the same as before the incident.

Take the Grand Canyon for instance; one of the most amazing sites in the world. According to the website www.livescience.com “The specific geologic processes and timing that formed the Grand Canyon spark lively debates by geologists. The general scientific consensus, updated at a 2010 conference, holds that the Colorado River carved the Grand Canyon beginning 5 million to 6 million years ago”.

This is not a lesson in science, though, and this author is not a geologist. So let’s just say that what we know is very simply stated as a major river flowing along for millions of years that forged deeper and deeper crevices--4,000 feet deep for 277 miles--that tourists now drop open their mouths and open eyes wide at seeing such a site for the first time. We might say it was the earth’s “dilemma” of major proportions. Over time, it has seemed to heal itself to the point that people can even hike to the bottom and back up again!

Cutting the Slack

In effect, an unexpected natural event caused a "blemish" in the earth, and time changed the scar forever, but didn’t destroy it. The river kept right on flowing and a canyon was formed. It was made beautiful again! In the same way, we ourselves can experience our own unexpected changes. Maybe we didn’t desire or encourage them to happen, yet we couldn’t seem to stop them.

"Be like a river. Be open. Flow." (Dr. Julie Connor, author of Dreams to Action Trailblazer's Guide)

If we don’t burrow ourselves into a tunnel for pretend “safety,” but instead face reality, time will not only heal us, but can make our lives beautiful again. The thing is, no one knows us like ourselves. We know the disasters and dilemmas we’ve recently faced better than anyone. And we know our own reactions to them. Some have worked, and some have not.

But either way, we must learn to cut ourselves some slack. Grand Canyon wasn’t made in a day! It developed over many, many years. True, we don’t have that much time, but we have enough to work with. So let’s see what we can do with the time we have been given.

• Stay Connected - find friends who will listen, not ones that bring you down.
• Get a Support Network - this is a group of other women who have gone through what you have and know the “ropes.”
• Adjust First - too many women tend to panic and jump right into another marriage after divorce. It can not be repeated enough, but here it is (and experts do agree): stay single for a year to adjust to your new situation. Then, you will know who you are, what you really want, and how to get it. No sense bringing old problems into a new relationship.

Baggage Is For The Airport

Most of us hate packing, enjoy the travel, and love the destination. How would you feel if when you arrived at a vacation spot (Grand Canyon, anyone?) and opened your suitcase, all you found was dirty laundry? Oops! Someone must have thought the laundry basket was full, so why not use this convenient suitcase! Yucky!

This is the same thing that happens when we start a new life and find we haven’t taken the time to “pack” what we need for a great “trip.” We carry old baggage like hurt, anger, revenge, and jealousy with us. We may even include guilt, depression, and anxiety on our backs. Where would we have any space for new people, places, and pleasures? We have to deal with the old in order to enjoy the new.

Are You Ready to Dance?

The Creator of the Grand Canyon, created time as well. God also created each one of us and He knows our past, present and future days.

He said, there is “A time to kill [check the old baggage list above again], and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up [a new life]. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance” Ecclesiastes 3:3-4 NLT.

How Tall Are You?

It’s so common in California and the Southwest United States to see miles and miles of palm trees waving in the breeze that we often never even think about how they got so very tall. There are many varieties for many tastes from the fan palms to queen, date, and royal palms. They just look beautiful and we let it go at that thought.

Palm trees have shallow roots, and so it is a wonder how they rarely fall over! But, unlike other trees, it is all in the amazing root “arms” that grow outward anywhere from 25 feet to 50 feet away depending on the type of species. Most of us can barely appreciate this feat of nature, but surely the men and women who climb higher and higher to trim these palms have a greater respect for these “anchored” creations. God knew what He was doing.

We humans on the other hand, go about our lives struggling and twisting and turning trying to stay upright without toppling over with fear and anxiety. Could it be our “roots” may not be strong enough? As each day passes and our lives seem dull and boring, or perhaps, uneasy and unsure, we could ask ourselves if we have grown outward by first establishing a daily habit of calming and focusing on the One who created us.

This circadian practice goes a long way in helping us to handle whatever comes our way whether it is getting the kids out the door to school, making it to a meeting at work on time, or paying the bills yet again. But, this spiritual routine is especially important when we have to face a cancer diagnosis, figuring out how we will make it on our own when the divorce papers are delivered, or living on the streets with our child in hand.

Just knowing where and to Whom we can rely on for reassurance and hope, is the best start to finding the answers. We have to understand God will never leave us or turn us away, no matter if we turned our backs on Him and went our own way in the past, or not. Our God has a BIG heart!

Some of us out there may not have known the Lord as our Savior when life started falling apart. It was devastating to find out we were entirely on our own with nowhere to go up, down, or sideways. We were truly lost and without hope. But by choosing to know and communicate with God when things are going well, we will never be uprooted and overturned when mountainous problems and tragedy strikes.

We may often ask how others do it. How they make things look so easy even in the face of major life changes and loss. There really is only one answer to that dilemma: We either need to be as tall as a palm tree, or, we need a Savior on our side Who created the palm tree!

“We’re all like sheep who’ve wandered off and gotten lost. We’ve all done our own thing, gone our own way. . .” Isaiah 53:6a The Message.

Sanity and the Single Mom

Moms of toddlers, teens, and everything in-between can chuckle and knowingly nod their heads when we say "It was so much easier when they were gentle, quiet babies!" That was when we had some measure of control over our children, right. Now it's non-stop noise, running, jumping, and wrestling with siblings. Where, oh where, do they get all that energy? 

It seems the word "gentle" doesn't even re-enter our vocabulary until they are grown and out the door! But, we love our children dearly and wouldn't exchange them, even if we could. Our basic responsibility as parents is to guide and direct their steps, so when they reach adulthood they will instinctively know what to do and how without our interference. Of course, this doesn't come without some struggles and difficulties on both sides.  

Check the Mirror
Raising children requires more than an ounce of gentleness and self-control on our parts. One of the things we learn as parents is our actions and attitudes will be copied by our children. No doubt about it! When they live with a harsh or violent parent, they will likely learn to be harsh and violent to some degree. And the opposite is also true. Developing a kind and quiet nature ourselves will go far in modeling what we may want to see in our grown children some day. 

It is not easy to maintain a gentle, soothing and tender nature ourselves if we, naturally, are not prone to a mellow personality. If we grew up in a home where extreme and harsh discipline was a constant pattern, where love and affection was scarce, and perfection was required, we may need to find a good Christian counselor to help us heal from our past abuses. Understand, there is absolutely no condemnation/blame here and no shame in talking with a professional. It's a plus.   

Seven Tips for Maintaining Sanity
If we are simply looking for ways to improve our parenting skills (and who isn't?), these are just seven things we can do to get the ball rolling:

• Join a local mom's group such as MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) or Moms Club International
• Research common parent-child issues 
• Speak with a professional child development specialist
• Encourage children to use their own special talents and gifts (even if it isn't something we would choose)
• Listen and support the ideas our children express
• Raise children in a Christian home and church 
• Use the only Power Source: Prayer, Prayer, and more Prayer-for ourselves and our children!

We've all heard the phrase, "Once a mom, always a mom," so we might as well learn how to be the best parent possible and not leave it up to chance, or worse yet, to someone else. Our families will thank us and, we will enter our retirement years with the assurance we did the very best we could to raise gentle, self-controlled, and happy children. 

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6 

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Galatians 5:22-23

Note: this article is solely based on the observance and experience of the author/mom. To have your personal questions and concerns addressed, may we suggest speaking with a professional counselor.