How Can You Find Peace in Your Circumstances?

Ready for a garage sale

Someone once noted that during the first 50 years of our life we go about acquiring things and the last 50 years of our life we will go about getting rid of our things! Hence the importance of neighborhood garage sales. And who doesn’t like garage sales whether we are getting rid of our own “stuff” or they are someone else’s things? It’s kind of funny but probably has much truth in it too.

Many single-again women have already gone through (or will eventually go through) a type of “environmental cleansing” simply because of current circumstances. Maybe it was due to a move to a new house, renting out a room in the present house, or finally getting around to discarding all the hoarding trash that has collected over the years in every room of the house. It may not have been something we desired to do at the time, but still, we were compelled to face the idea of de-cluttering vs. getting buried in things and possessions that only reminded us of a life we were trying to let go of.       

Talk About Dizziness!

Depending on how long it has been since our marital status moved to a different column on our tax forms (divorced, widowed, or single mom), it has changed us both on the inside as well as the outside. We are not the same woman we once were whether we recognize it or not. And that may be the precise key to some strange feelings of woe—sadness, heartbreak, worry, and gloom--we get now and then. We just are not the same and we are having trouble admitting that fact. We have shifted 180 degrees, but our heads are lagging. Talk about dizziness!   

It’s possible we may be trying to fight what’s going on inside instead of “going with the flow” and finding peace. Our life has changed and wants to get on with the business of living while we are stuck in “quicksand.” Life itself is still moving faster than ever and, true, time is not going to wait for us. It’s a matter of trying to discover who we are and what we really want now.                    

If that familiar “Aha” moment is knocking at the door right now, that’s a great sign. Deep inside we all wish for the very best to happen now that we are on our own. Of course, it will be different for each one of us. For some, their top priority may be a much-needed vacation. New clothes for our kids going back to school. A new house in a new neighborhood, maybe even a new state. Education. A new business we've always wanted to open. These are all important for sure and we do need many of them. But we must understand most are not permanent. So enjoy anything good that comes along, but don't count them as a forever thing.        

Aaah! Peaceful

Finding the Recipe for Peace

Just like all that clutter we want to get rid of in our next garage sale, we will be more content and peaceful if we continue the process of cleaning out the junk both in our homes and in our minds. Figure out what is really important to keep and dump the rest. Hint: if we keep looking for empty boxes to store it all away, we don’t need it! [Okay, maybe the annual holiday decorations can stay]. We can only use so much “stuff” in our lives, so keep sorting and dumping until a new feeling of happiness invades our very existence! Strive for less chaos and disarray (some call this minimalism) to make room for peace, joy, and pure contentment. These are the things that will last forever and we can't have too much of them!        

In the Bible, Apostle Paul said, “I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One [God] who makes me who I am” (Philippians 4:12-13 MSG).

When Is Your Right Place at the Right Time?

College book and glasses

“During a parent-teacher conference, a mother insisted I shouldn’t have taken points off her daughter’s English paper for calling her subject Henry 8 instead of Henry VIII. “We have only regular numbers on our keyboard,” she explained. “No Roman numerals.” [Lisa Rich, Milledgeville, Georgia, as reported in Readers’ Digest www.rd.com]

Precious, right? Hopefully, by college, it gets better! This time of year is exciting, and sometimes nerve-racking at the same time, for many people (regardless of age) starting college. Whether we are a first-year student, a soon-to-graduate student, or an older woman just beginning classes, it takes a certain amount of dedication to get to where we want to go.

By the time we start interviewing for a job in our field, life seems to “smack” us in our head with a wake-up call. Unfortunately, “More than 40 percent of college graduates take positions out of school that don't require a degree…and more than 1 in 5 college grads still aren't working a degree-demanding job a decade after leaving school.” [www.cnbc.com]

That may be discouraging, but a degree is still a good idea as it mainly shows we are women who can stick to a long-term project and that is attractive to an employer. So, let’s go ahead and finish that education, even if it requires taking night courses while working somewhere to pay the bills. As single-again women, we must do everything we know to change our lives for the better.

The Right Place at The Right Time

Eventually, we will see an opportunity or an “open door.” It could suddenly be a case of standing in the right place at the right time. Now that we are on our own, we can create our “perfect” life because no one is holding us back any longer! Mostly, we need to remember we are each unique, so one life will not look like the next woman’s life even though we use the same tools.

Basically, we need a plan to follow. A “key” that will open our own door. We can experiment with some of these suggestions to get us on the right track:

What is our field? What did we study in school? Whatever that might be, we can try our best to work (or intern) in that same type of business even if it means an entry-level position and entry-level pay to gain the experience we need for later. 

Networking puzzle

While in that job, don’t be a loner and just clock-in and clock-out and then home again. We will never get to know people that way. Participate in company activities, especially networking (sharing and getting to know others at events). Volunteer for a committee at work. Our face will get well-known and when the opportunity comes along, the boss will remember us for that promotion!

Keep our eyes open for posted promotions and apply for that position even if we have no exact experience for it. We can at least interview for it explaining to the boss we are fast learners and are determined to become an asset to the company.

We have many things we can do to change our lives. In addition to the above employment ideas, we can stay on top of the business (keep researching). Sooner than we expected our lives will change and we will go in the direction we always intended to anyway. Someday, someone will ask us for a job!

Who Are We Following?

In the Bible there is an amazing story of a young leader named Joshua who was promoted to take the place of Moses! His first assignment was to lead the people to the Promised Land (from Egypt to Israel). A big job he was not trained for yet. He did a fantastic job because of his strong belief in God. However, the people faltered, lost sight of their purpose, and basically gave up. Amazingly, out of two million people, only Joshua and his friend Caleb entered the Promised Land! Two people who stuck with it until they succeeded.     

We too have certain beliefs about where our lives are going and what we would like to do with them. As we go about attending our classes, following instructions, and completing assignments, we come to realize it takes much more effort than we thought it would. With a good attitude and a mindset of not giving up, we will reach our goal. Much like Joshua and Caleb. 

"Study this Book of Instruction [or the Book of the Law aka the Torah, the first five books of the Bible] continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do" (Joshua 1:8 NLT). 

What Are Your Choices, Challenges, and Changes?

Red rose of Love

Hate is never the answer to hate. History has proven this truth over and over. Yet there are those who still allow extreme, out-of-control emotions to fill themselves with hostility leading to violent attacks and aggression toward others. And, yes, sadly, loss of someone's life is almost always a part of it.     

“On a day like today, there are many directions we can go in our prayer...We can be in sorrow, in anger even...including anger at God for letting something like this happen." Instead, El Paso Rev Mike Lewis urged them [funeral attendees] to "have faith and to love one another, especially those who are hard to love.” (www.latimes.com)

The Gift of Free Will

Let's be clear, though, and not get the wrong idea. In no way does God ever cause the hatred that can destroy others. Only pure evil lashing out with arms of fire can cause such violence.

“Scripture shows that God did not create evil and does not promote it; rather, it describes God’s actions in combating it. God limits the impact of evil, warns us of the dangers of evil, acts to stop the spread of evil, gives us an escape from evil, and will eventually defeat evil forever." [gotquestions.org] 

Something many people do not understand is the free will God willingly gives each one of us. He gave us that gift of free will because he loves us and wants us to make good decisions that will benefit our lives and those we love and that he cares about (which is everyone he has created). Never would God want us to use free will as part of a plan to kill others! 

Choices, Challenges, and Changes

How about our own choices and decisions since we became single-again women? It's understandable our own emotions were running high while dealing with all the challenges required to get to a better place in our lives. The shift in marital status alone may have caused a change of living arrangements, school (for both us and/or our children), new friends or a new job, and certainly finances. All stress-caused emotions. It certainly wasn’t easy looking in the mirror each morning at someone we didn’t even recognize. We've all been there in one way or another. We changed. We are still changing. Hopefully for the better.

However, it’s possible we are still not in a good place. Our lives are crawling very slowly, and they are not quite where we want them to be. We haven’t moved out of the anxiety phase and may even be heading towards depression. How many times have we pulled the covers over our head in the morning? Pretended to exist solely on potato chips, cookies, and ice cream just because we couldn’t find the energy to cook a decent meal? It happens and is quite common but tolerated only to a certain degree. Eventually either we move or some outside force will move us. What we don’t want is watching our lives get buried in the mundane.  

Love puzzle: we all have choices

Rather than ignoring all these unhealthy symptoms, it’s time to gain some momentum. We know we cannot change others around us (we’ve tried!), nor can they change us. We are the only ones who can do the changing and isn’t that a good thought? We finally get to create our lives exactly the way we want them. Something that may have held us back so far is thinking we need to re-create our old lives and we just don’t know where to begin. Frankly, that is the number one major stumbling block because our old life is gone. It's like trying to fix something without any workable parts. Our new life is here right now! And that is exciting because we are not going to re-create anything—we are going to start fresh.    

Get ready to have some fun! Here are nine ideas or suggestions that will set our feet in motion. Try one or all of them or at least jot down some of your own ideas:

Choices – 

Adopt that new pet you’ve always wanted

Join a club (i.e., health, art, book) and make new friends

Pick a non-profit organization and volunteer

Challenges – 

Turn a hobby into a new business

Take a class in computer graphics, French, or cooking

Write a book (memoir, children’s)

Changes – 

Move to a new neighborhood

Get a new hairdo, including color

Adopt a new nutrition plan and get healthy

Final Word

Are we the one who can help lessen the impact of evil? Sounds difficult, but God obviously gave us the freedom of choice and gifts/talents to use. If we can find just one little way to show love to a neighbor or a stranger in need, it’s a start. We can decide to do our part. Will we?

“God has provided the one and only means to make all wrongs right.” Part of that plan is to accept him as Lord and Savior and then help another to do the same before it's too late. “One day, God’s plan to defeat and destroy evil [sin] will be fully complete.” [gotquestions.org]

"The world's sin is unbelief in me" (John 16:9 NLT).

That's Not Who You Are Anymore

Lost bottle in the ocean

It's hard to say what we were thinking about in second grade. Our memory may not be that sharp any longer. But Laura Terry may not soon forget her second-grade science experiment.  

In 2017, Terry and her classmates were studying ocean currents and thought they could test it out by placing messages in bottles, sealing them, and sending them out to sea from their town of Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Terry never expected anything to happen to her bottle except that it would sink. Nearly two years later, her bottle was found on Doohoma Beach in western Ireland! [Ann Smajstria, Cox Media Group]. 

A grandmother in Ireland walking on the beach found Terry's bottle with a note inside and subsequently wrote to the girl at her school. Out of 70 bottles sent out, five have been found including one in Portugal and three in France. Wow! What an amazing science lesson.

That’s Not Who You Are

In today's culture though, we are nearly buried in electronic message sites like the top five Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, and SnapChat to name but a few! Of course, good ole email and texts are still available. A message in a bottle, though, is so much more romantic, wouldn't you say? (Who can forget Kevin Costner, Robin Wright, and Paul Newman in the Message in a Bottle movie?). 

But today's blog is not about the internet. Whew! We are sliding back down out of the clouds and trying to figure out our role as a single-again woman and how we can go about changing our communication methods. Because what worked in our past may not work in our new world anymore.

We've come through one of the worst experiences of our lives. The good news is we've made it to the other side and are still intact. Congratulations! So now what do we do? In some cases, especially if we have young children, we may unavoidably have to face our former spouse and possibly former in-laws every now and then. 

Of course, when that happens, we can rage, scream, and freak out but hopefully, that's not who we are now. Yes, it's been a whirlwind of decisions, decisions, and more decisions heaped on our shoulders. It could make anyone feel like a witch from the movies. So, one more time, let's say it out loud, that's not who we are anymore.

Five Messages to Start Your Plan

Did someone say Relax?

If you are serious about becoming a better communicator, then grab a notebook and take down some ideas (no, you are not going to send it out to sea):

--Breathe. Make it a goal several times each day to deeply inhale/exhale. Amazing how good this feels.

--Relax. Of course, this goes along with breathing. Shoulders down!

--Plan. If you know the upcoming situation, practice what you will say.

--Listen. Ask questions and find out what the other person really wants (hint: address only one subject at a time, not your entire past).

--Speak with confidence. If you have never tried it, think of joining the Toastmasters organization. Nearly every city in the country has a club. 

These are only but a few, so go ahead and research it and then keep adding to your list above. You've got this! 

Never Stop Learning

Have you ever said Someone needs to write a book about this? Well, Someone did. He is God Himself and He knows exactly how you feel past, present, and even your future. Really. The Bible is His book written just for you. Most Bibles today have a section in the back called Index or Concordance. You can look up any number of topics such as “Speech,” “Confidence,” “Change,” and “Listening.” Careful though, you may not be able to put it down!           

"All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right" (2 Timothy 3:16 NLT).