Putting Out the Fire

Fire Out of Control

No one would ever want their world to go up in dense, choking smoke with flames out of control. Yet, it happens to homeowners more often than we can imagine. Currently, in the drought-stricken Southwest, there are massive fires in Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, and in New Mexico where 1.6 million acres of the Santa Fe National Forest has been damaged and the national park is still closed since June 1st. Fires leave devastation in their paths. 

It only takes one small spark to set off a fire that can destroy lives. Tragically, it may start as a man-made fire (accidental or on purpose) through carelessness. Other times it is the result of a lightning storm that spreads destruction for miles and miles. And ironically, there are occasions where the fire begins inside us through the use of our tongues. It's true. With all we have experienced as single-again women to get to this particular point in our lives, we may often lose control of the hurtful words that come out of our mouths before we can stop them.

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it."
(Charles R. Swindoll)

Many women harbor anger inside especially now. Actually, it's quite normal and part of the several stages of getting over a divorce including denial, depression, repairing damage, and acceptance. Anger does not feel o.k., but, it is o.k. What? Remember, highly charged emotions like anger are part of us, but that doesn't mean we need to allow our days to completely destroy us. Who would that serve? It gets us nowhere fast. Of course, ignoring the anger and trying to "push" it down inside of us also doesn't work as it leads to more anger followed swiftly by depression. 

The key to moving past this firestorm is changing our "fire-fighting" response. Not all "fires" are the same. When one method isn't working, then we try something better. 
   
Basic Tools to Put Out the Fire
Community. Stay in touch with others. Isolation multiplies problems.
Goals. Concentrate on what you want to see happening in your life.
Change. Embrace something new: home, job, holiday celebrations, or hair-do.
Health. Now is the time to take control and beat that ____ (fill in).
Connection. Find a church home and discover who you are.

Genuine Love

Love Straight from God

Never believe you are not valuable to God! He cares deeply for you as a woman. And He cares what happens to you, even now. Nothing can divert His attention from you. In fact, the Bible says that nothing in heaven or on earth can separate His love from you. Ever!     

God truly understands what we have gone through. Whether it was ten days ago, or ten years ago, He is right beside us holding our right hand in His! It's simply amazing how much He loves each one of us. Has anyone else ever literally died on a cross to save you from yourself? Jesus stretched out His arms and did just that!

"It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell" (James 3:5-6 The Message).

Passion Gone Wrong

Misplaced Passion

There are many, many true stories of revenge--both in long-ago history and in modern times. Maybe even someone close in our own lives has gone through this dark wrong-doing. Think about these two examples of extreme revenge the next time you are experiencing a sense of pay-back. 

Princess Olga of Kiev (capital of Ukraine) experienced and acted upon an act of revenge. She was married to the country's ruler but her husband was killed. The culture she lived in considered her an unwed woman--apparently not worth much. So she was expected to choose a proper mate and had many prospects. But she only wanted revenge for the killing of her husband, not another marriage. To make a long story short, Olga had her many suitors (who wouldn't leave her alone) buried alive! An extreme case of passion gone wrong. (www.unbelievable-facts.com)

Centuries later during the American Civil War a slave named Alec--who didn't invite or enjoy revenge of any kind into his life--found himself in a difficult situation he couldn't avoid, or so he thought [note: we always have a choice]. It's a very long story so we won't try to repeat it. The point is, after the War, this former slave personally shot and killed his former owner. Alec then moved to the northeast United States and bought a 100-acre farm ironically named "Journey's End." He spent the next 50 years of his life alone on his farm. Was it worth it? (Check www.cracked.com for details). 

These are gruesome and extraordinary stories, but we needed to have a jump-off point to see what revenge can really do to us if we are not careful. In our modern day, this is what drives numerous dramas on TV and the movies. What are we to do with those kinds of personal thoughts after we are finally on our own? 

First Reactions: Passion Gone Wrong
We aren't alone. It's pretty common right after we go through the mess of ending an abusive relationship, that our first irrational, emotional reaction may be to get even. With him. With the other woman. With family. With friends. With everyone! But thankfully, it usually turns out to be a knee-jerk reaction. Couldn't we recognize that we have gone through enough drama in our lives and it's time to stop wasting energy and move on to better things? 

We are not saying it is never right to express displeasure or even anger in our lives. That's what "happily ever after" fairy tales are made of. Just too sweet! But being so furious with someone that it causes us to turn into a "monster of revenge" is better left in Hollywood. Consenting to angry outbursts towards others continually wears us down inch by inch. It really solves nothing, but only creates more and more problems down the road and turns us into bitter, unreasonable, pathetic women no one wants to be around.  

A Life Well-Lived

Focus on tying up the loose ends

Our focus right now is better served re-building a new and bright life for ourselves (and children if they are in the picture). We have the opportunity to do this now without someone else pushing and demanding us to be someone we are not. In fact, it can be quite exciting planning a whole new direction to go. If you are constantly distracted by other destructive thoughts, begin a daily journal of what you want your life to look like in the future and have fun making plans. Everyone will wonder where that beautiful smile of yours comes from! 

His Smile Upon You
Our Creator and Father in heaven (unlike any father we have ever known on earth) is always ready to help us with all these run-away emotions. God knows we are human and therefore, we need His hand guiding us to love our neighbor as ourselves. The Bible tells us we can have love, joy, peace, and patience among other wonderful characteristics to get us through this life--if we really want them. Then the really Good News follows in heaven with Him forever!

"Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it" (Romans 12:17-19 The Message). 

How Is Your Heart Doing Now?

Here’s some thought-provoking questions for today: why do we all enjoy music so much? What exactly does it do to us? Most people would say because it makes them happy. And that is certainly true. But why? Probably because music is upbeat, inspirational, or makes us want to move to the beat.

But deeper than that, it is because nearly every single piece of music or song is about love. Have we ever heard of music that spews hate? Not very likely. Who would listen to or buy that kind of music? Of course, someone may have heard some pretty bad and distasteful lyrics once upon a time, but it is not the cultural norm by any means. It is not uplifting. It doesn’t make one want to scan their playlist or turn the radio on in the car.

Bringing Out Our Best

We know love has certain qualities we all want to experience. Like patience, kindness, hope, trust, and protection. What we don’t want is anyone in our life that acts with envy, rudeness, selfish pride, and anger. Unlike hatred and an unforgiving nature, love always brings out our best.

In our previous relationship, particularly towards the end, we probably suffered enough hatred on both sides to last a lifetime. It affected everyone; our spouse, our children, our extended family, friends and, of course, ourselves. Hopefully, we have given ourselves enough space and time to physically move on. But we may still be feeling the emotional pain. We now need to give ourselves a break from all that hostility and hatred.

Sometimes, the anger that remains is there because we haven’t given ourselves the gift of forgiveness by forgiving him. Remember, forgiveness is not condoning what he did. It’s not saying it was o.k. to act that way. It’s just acknowledging the person for who he is, accepting that a person is able to change with or without our input, and extending love above our own feelings.

Forgiveness is for us. When we choose to act with love and kindness, we will avoid more and more hatred. Our heart will begin to heal and won’t continually be wounded over and over. We will catapult into a life of happiness, joy, and love. And then, we can experience love in the future without any residual effects from a previous relationship.

What Can We Do Now?

Learning to love with forgiveness in our pockets expands into all our other relationships. Is the world not experiencing this lack of love right now? What would happen if we gave our neighbors, co-workers, and relatives the benefit of the doubt? How would it change things if we stopped and found out what is going on in their world? We might be shocked. It might even break our selfish hearts. Who is for a little peace and harmony?

"Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses" Proverbs 10:12 NLT.

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT.