Hit the Refresh Button

Refreshment anyone?

No matter what kind of relationship interruption we survived--from the passive to the aggressive--we can and eventually do learn to adapt. In all likelihood, facing such a poignant decision to divorce with so many factors to consider, it took more than a "minute" to find some answers and solutions. There were days, months, or even years trying to repair the divide to no avail. It simply wore us out.

So understandably, becoming whole again and bringing restoration back to our lives will take a season or more. It will require hitting the refresh button on Life. Exactly how long the season lingers depends on many things. Our energy level may feel like someone removed a plug from the bottom of our foot and let it drain into nothingness. Our vigor needs replenishing! Now is the time to pamper ourselves and take care of our bodies and emotional baggage. If that means sitting down with a professional and discussing options then that is the wise thing to do. It is a healthy way to revive and confirm we are on the right track.

Arriving at a place of comfort and new beginnings is determined by many different options. Generally, the most common is how long we were a couple, if there were children, and how close we were to each other during the marriage. Again, sitting down and talking with a therapist will help us reach a point of wholeness where our every minute is not consumed by what was or could have been. There is no need to rush the process. That is probably the worst thing we could do at this point. Of course, this doesn't mean we should just stop living, but we can learn to be gentle with ourselves as we move forward.

Time and Faith

Some people believe time is a remarkable healer, repairing our minds and souls from the inside out. Some do not. But many of us single-again women can attest to the truth of this statement. However, it does require a healthy dose of faith. We might say time and faith go hand in hand. If we slow down just a bit and allow it, time--along with patience, persistence, and prayer--will supply all the tools to build a foundation that will stand in a storm. The doubt for some of us is looking at time as a “stand-alone fringe benefit” when all it needs to operate is the key ingredient of faith!

What could make the healing period less stressful and boring is finding and using our talents and gifts. Yes, we all have a few. They are the ones we have forgotten about, but still enjoy; those we were born with but have not used. By the way, it is not selfish to encourage ourselves in this way. Call it an indulgence if you must, but developing our gifts is a necessity.

Just like our physical health, if we don't do something about what is bothering us, we will suffer emotionally too. We are the only ones with personal insight to care for what we need at this point; the only ones who know what we want. We can call on others for support, and should, but we can't expect anyone else to find the key to our happiness.

Seven Truths

Let's look at the following seven truths for discovering who we are deep down inside. In experimenting with some of these ideas, we can unlock the door to our future and find what we have been missing all along:

• When we recognize what we want to do with our future, our confidence grows.
• We discover--maybe for the first time--the possibilities open to us and find faith.
• We begin a pattern of lifetime growth and learning, which creates joy.
• We let go of fear, skepticism, and failure; in the process, we discover love.
• We find connection with others who understand us and let go of loneliness.
• We build a community of support and find strength.
• We reach out to others, share our experiences, and claim abundance.

Hitting the Mark

Because we are each unique human beings, we have different needs to begin our journey. Graciously, God has given us all the gifts we need, and, no matter what age group or status we find ourselves in right now, we can uncover exactly what that gift looks like and how we can use it. When we do that, we have hit the mark!

Tip of the Day

The best way to recognize our true potential is by reading the Holy Bible. This is how God speaks to us and he has all the answers about our future. Finding a local church home is a great starting point so don’t wait! They usually hold regular classes to help with the search, discovery, and understanding of our spiritual gifts.

“Jesus said to her, ‘Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you’re healed and whole. Live well, live blessed. Be healed of your plague’” (Mark 5:34 The Message).

Pedal a Little Faster

 

We have started in a new direction with our chins held high. The wheels are gaining momentum and we look forward with all the enthusiasm we can find. We did it! After so many years of hesitating and drawing back into our shells wondering if we are making the right decision, we found the courage to claim a better life. The winds of change feel very good. Now is the time to breathe deeper, take a “calm break”, and dream about where we have been and where we want to go. No serious plans right now--they can wait for a moment--just a fun peek into the future.

Wheels of any kind--bicycles, motorcycles, Ferris wheels, roller skates, potters' wheels, and all those planes, trains, and automobiles--have one thing in common and one purpose: momentum. The force that moves us forward. Once the wheels start moving, it's very hard to get them to stop. This is a true picture of ourselves.

Maybe we didn't choose our particular situation and we still feel a little shaky, but our single-again lives are moving whether we want them to or not. The questions are which direction do we want to proceed, how fast will we skim along, and who is steering the wheel? It feels great to finally be in charge of our own lives, but we have to confidently take the wheel and move past the twenty miles per hour that was holding us back at one time. If we do not pedal a little faster, the lack of momentum will cause us to fall over! Nothing is worse than having to get back on again and again and again. It is not impossible, but it is not as fun as speeding through bumps, obstacles, and valleys.

Direction

Where do we want to go in the first place? The wheels are moving, so there is no time to let go! We have dared to dream, ponder, and plan about what we want to do with our lives. It could be leaving one job and taking a better one that will fit our gifts and talents. It could be finding a cozy cottage, luxurious apartment, or farmhouse to live in as long as we are happy. The dream might include moving to a town/city we have always loved. It could even be getting a fantastic makeover from head to foot! Anything is possible if we use our imagination.

Speed

Is it time now to move ahead? Or will the ideal plan take some much-needed assessing to work out the details? We may need to map out how fast we can get to our dream place. All of that is okay. Do we need to obtain a higher degree to land that job? We might be able to take a vacation to a different town and search for a place to live there. Our dream job could be in that new location. The opportunities are nearly endless!

Control

The American poet, Thomas Stearns (better known as T. S.) Eliot once said, “It's never too late to be what you might have been.” This is one of the truest statements ever. If we think about it, our age will continue to creep upward year by year by year whether we attempt something or not. So why waste this time we have been given? We begin by jotting down plans in a daily journal because when we see them on paper, it becomes real. Attainable. Possible. We registered for the next college semester. We ask for that job promotion and get it. We stick our necks out for our dreams once and for all. We don't look back.

As single-again women, we are responsible for not only ourselves but our children too, if we have been so blessed. We are their heroes and examples. They constantly watch and hopefully learn from us, even if our teenagers would never admit to it. No one else is going to initiate these changes for us (nor would we want them to). So, are we ready to take on the world? We can begin with our little corner of the garden and spread like wildflowers!

Tip of the Day

Only when we rely on God and try our very best every day, are we going to arrive at a point of accomplishment that builds our confidence so we can do even more.

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to 

accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20 NLT).

Two Sides of the Same Coin

Retro Doll Collection

The term downsizing first came about in the business world to mean reducing staff through terminations. A way to make the company smaller and, perhaps, more profitable or effective. Many of us have gone through this devastation in our lives--and survived! But here in today's blog, we are talking about a different kind of downsizing that will not only make the junk we’ve collected “smaller,” but will help us move on with our new lives in a positive way thus producing the desired result.

Downsizing is a two-sided coin. Sometimes it is necessary just to create space in our jammed-packed closets and garages (our grandmothers called this spring cleaning), or to get rid of things that hold bittersweet memories and we can’t stand to look at them anymore, or even to finally move across town or the country and not bring it all with us.

We, former shop-till-you-drop women, have rooms filled to the brim with all sorts of unused things we never wanted to part with under any circumstance. Doll or teddy bear collections from age ten. Okay fine, maybe a collection of tiny metal cars we treasured that threw our brothers into a jealous fit. Or more grown-up things in the attic such as jewelry boxes, shoes, and dishes. Maybe we find macrame hangers and hooked rugs from the 1980s which, by the way, are back in style! (If some are too young to remember these DIY projects, ask any older relative and they will demonstrate how to create them, and, surprise, a new trend begins).

We know how the process goes. Organizational experts call it the Keep, Toss, and Donate boxes. Whether we have recently been divorced, or it’s been years, we understand downsizing. We have given up or lost most of everything we own, which is a bittersweet saga. Sometimes, we willingly gave up our possessions and then turned around many months later and wished we hadn’t given away so many treasured items we now need! Sounds like the beginning of a comic strip.

Of course, things are things that can be replaced. We need to make room for what’s important: our kids, friends, and our sanity. Keep in mind: we are beginning a whole new fresh start momentum. Unwanted reminders in our homes of a foregone life put roadblocks in our way. Put any guilt aside and feel good about traveling on the smooth road ahead without any obstacles. We are trying to create a new and wonderful life; joyful lives filled with abundance, and we’re not just talking about money or possessions here.

This whole downsizing idea can be quite a lot of fun if we give ourselves the chance to think of it that way. We get to gather, trade, or purchase what we want in our lives. If that means re-decorating the bedroom in modern florals that someone else never allowed, then enjoy! Find a brand new hobby of thrift-store treasure hunting in the process. What a fabulous way to save money for bigger and better things like all the costly extras the kids need, or a family vacation. Of course, we are not talking about their wants, only needs. We have to teach our children how to save their own money for wants and learn downsizing methods early in life.

The other side of this shiny new coin is feeling good about donating or giving away some of our gently-used possessions. This gives another woman who is hurting a way to acquire something she desperately needs. It’s a win-win situation.

Tip of the Day

The best part about all this non-worrying about things is that God always knows what we need and when we need it. All we have to do is trust him and be more open to the potential beauty in our new life.

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today” (Matthew 6:31-34 NLT).

Beautiful Reflections

 

Each of us is unique!

Science, unfortunately, was not a favorite subject of some of us in school. However, some science teachers had a way of making things interesting with a lesson on reflective surfaces. God bless those teachers who continue to have passion! What made this demonstration so interesting was creating a favorite childhood toy: the kaleidoscope. 

Using ordinary objects like beads, glass, buttons, mirrors, and angles, the experiment created beautiful pictures inside a tube when held up to the light. And none of the colorful designs in the school project were ever the same twice. Understandably, to this day kaleidoscopes are popular for kids and adults alike. The lack of duplication in the design is precisely how each of us is made: individually awesome with unique characteristics.

However, there are specific times in our lives when we do not feel so wonderful or powerful. Certainly living through a marital break-up caused all sorts of unpleasant feelings to surface, sometimes all at once. We thought we were never going to feel good about ourselves again. Especially if it was a first marriage or a long marriage, we may have believed we just couldn’t make it on our own. We didn’t have enough of anything. Not enough know-how. Not enough money. Not enough looks, education, or a home. Not enough of the one hundred other things we could think up. 

That is how twisted our minds can get when we are under stress, can not think, and don’t even understand ourselves, never mind the other person. But it is of utmost importance to remember, that we were created to be wonderful women and therefore, we still are wonderful, powerful, and enough in every way--no one can take that away from us!

Even if the person we lived with never appreciated our true beauty, talents, or gifts, who says we have to accept that lack of vision? We have a chance to shatter any distorted image of ourselves by recognizing:

• Our value is not dependent on another person, whether that person is a former spouse, authority figure, or parent. On this earth, only you know you. With that kind of power, we can achieve more than we ever have before. Begin by enjoying just the next twenty-four hours. And then the next, and then. . .       
• Love is a two-way street. One person alone can not injure a relationship. This is probably the most painful, but necessary, paradox to face otherwise there is no forgiveness in either direction. If we stop ignoring this key responsibility point, we will save thousands in therapy bills and be much better off.                                       
• Nothing and no one can ever make God turn His back on us. Not even ourselves. The good news is no matter what we have done or how we lived or didn’t live our past lives, He accepts us unconditionally with loving arms. He loves us. Period. We are His precious daughters!                                                
• No power in heaven or earth can cut us off from His love. Once we ask the Lord into our hearts, He is there forever. He is there to guide us. He is there to protect us. He is there to provide for us. He is there. Always.

Time to go out now and buy a kaleidoscope to celebrate our beautiful and powerful form!

Tip of the Day

So now that we are settled into correct thinking and on our own, we can do our souls good by drawing near to God and preparing for heaven (our permanent home) while on earth. Nothing will give us more faith, hope, and confidence in knowing that "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him."

“What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us?” (Romans 8:31 NLT).

Something Out of the Ordinary

Take a breath!

Dogs and cats are some of the most patient creatures on earth. If trained right, they wait for their food, a walk, or attention when we click off our computers and notice their sad eyes. These domestic darlings look forward all day long for their owner to return home (even if they start running in circles when they hear the key in the door). They may not enjoy the wait, but they never give up! 

Animals don't need a box of tissues to dry away tears. Oh, no, they go and play with their toys, look for bugs to eat, take a nap, and yes, maybe tear up the couch in their enthusiasm. But give up? Never. It's probably why we enjoy them so much--they are optimistic, even if they experience a cruel situation of abuse and neglect! We could learn something from our pets.

Too often, though, we humans conveniently use excuses to avoid getting better, getting over, or getting out. It just seems a lot easier to give up hope and stop trying at all. Our lives have changed drastically after divorce, losing a spouse, or becoming a single mom, and all the energy we have left is spent trying to figure out exactly how it happened. But the truth is, we may never know the whole story. 

Maybe we should try to write down what is so great about quitting and abandoning our dreams. The page would most certainly be blank because there is nothing good about breaking off a piece of our life and throwing it away. Nothing we would want to admit. Isn’t it time to change all this for the better?

If you have ever had the fortune to buy a Chanel suit, hat, dress, bag, or perfume, you probably know the designer and fashion icon, Coco Chanel. Her life-lessons story of poverty to riches is fascinating (if interested in more, pick up the book, The Gospel According to Coco Chanel by Karen Karbo, or check out the movie, Coco Before Chanel). She didn't just put on one of her handmade hat creations, opened her eyes, and was instantly rich and famous by any means. Coco Chanel once said something very inspiring for us on her way to success, “Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.” 

In other words, if something--our life, job, home, finances, etc.--isn't working, don’t give up; try something out of the ordinary! Each one of us can create our unique solution based on our personality and situation. What works for one, may not be the answer for another. It’s been said, “The last key in the bunch opens the lock,” so let’s keep trying until we find the correct “key.” We can all uncover the courage inside us and just refuse to fail! Don't misunderstand, this is not a rose garden by any means. Low moments or seasons of unrest can not be avoided. They will always be a fact of life. We can, however, adjust our thinking and find appropriate ways to successfully get back on our feet. Like Coco Chanel, the life-changing question for us is, why do I continue to bang my head against a brick wall? That might be suitable for framing!

Tip of the Day

Another famous story is the one of Esther, a beautiful, young Jewish woman who became a real Queen. She did not have a perfect life, nor an easy one. Esther was not born with a large 401K account. She was an orphan until her cousin adopted her. After she was crowned the Queen and wife of the King of Persia (at his insistence), she went on to fight for her people to become free from slavery. It was a long and difficult, but successful, battle. Her secret? Esther never gave up! (Her true story is found in the Holy Bible). The amazing outcome of her life was all planned by God. Like He was with Esther, He is always on our side. Always. God has written our stories in our hearts. It’s time to speak to Him about it.

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13 NLT).

Dense Fog Ahead

The Sun is on Its Way

It is difficult to see our way clearly as we navigate a new life. It is like passing through the worst fog we can imagine and getting nowhere. Lots of questions. “Is my life ever going to be right again?” “How am I supposed to get back to normal--whatever that is--after such a devastating and heart-breaking ending?” Certainly, it would be much easier to just throw up our hands and scream, “It’s never going to be the same again, so why try?”

It does appear that way when we can't see past the fog of change. And it is scary! We naturally resist transformation in any form, whether it's good for our hearts, minds, and souls or not. But here's the stinging question: Do we want the same unloving relationship? The one with little or no affection. The one that lost its electrifying touch. No, of course not. We would prefer the charming one we married, but not the morphed version. Never that! 

Lasting Improvement is Possible!

 
Afterwards, the sun comes out and we see the light of how our lives can breathe without all the hurt attached. The possibility is very attractive. What we miss sometimes is every single person on the face of this earth (yes, even us!) shifts, shuffles, and settles from day to day. Minute by minute. Inch by inch. Just like a home, even after fifty years, the foundation is still settling. It is a fact of life. We could hire a home expert to possibly improve the foundation and make it more stable. Buildings can undergo amazing renovations. But what about people? Can we change others all by ourselves?

The eye-opening truth is: We cannot change each other! Ever. Practice saying that one out loud. This is where we get into trouble. We want the other person to stop how they are acting or what they are becoming. We want to play God and create a “robot” of our exact, perfect man or friend. But we are not machines or animals that can be trained to perform better. We can only change ourselves and our response to that person. Each individual who desires change must look in the mirror and say, “I've got a problem, and I need to fix it.” Until that happens, no lasting improvement is possible. It is like banging our heads against a brick wall. Useless. And it hurts! So, we can suppose, then, that further pain isn't what we want deep down inside.

However, those "bricks" are useful for building a better life! We can start at this very point in time and go forward with our "trowel" in hand. What that "architecture" looks like will be different for each one of us. 

• Some of us will seek and share a new, mature relationship with all the perks.
• Some will plant a nurturing seed first and encourage growth on an individual level.
• Some will find outlets for creative expression in education, work, and extracurricular activities that are more important to them at the moment.

There are no incorrect or flawed blueprints here. Only that we never let the momentum stop! 

Tip of the Day

Who can we talk to about our exciting plans? "Fear not, dear child of mine," God seems to say with outstretched arms. “I am here. If you only let me, you will see how this will all work out. I have a plan and a purpose for you, I promise. Let's sit down and talk.” Can't we just hear him saying that to us right now?

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen” (Jeremiah 29:11-12 The Message).

Not Just a Crazy Notion

Ready to learn?

In the fall, regardless of age, many people take steps into their future and begin new college classes. In 2021, a reported [National Center for Education Statistics] 8.9 million undergraduate females accounted for most college students (fifty-eight percent) and embarked on a new journey! That is progress in a big way considering there were no colleges accepting women in America until after 1800! Education is not something to take for granted.

With advancements in many areas (for instance, the 19th Amendment in 1920 or Title IX in 1972) onward movement has been rapid. Today, more undergraduate and advanced degrees are earned by women than men. That is a fact [again, go to NCES] and is something to celebrate! This mini-history lesson simply says we are all thirsty for learning and can readily recognize the benefits.

Single-again women, especially, would gain much towards their future if education became a priority. Some of us never had the chance to go to college. Some started college and were never able to finish for one reason or another. Life got in the way. We understand but it is never too late!

We can all find a way to make that dream come true. First, find out what you are naturally good at doing (there are plenty of books out there to show you how) because nothing is worse than working at a job for the rest of your life and hating every minute of it! By the way, if you are already retired, don’t think this doesn’t apply to you! There are plenty of life-long learning “fun” courses at your local community college. Remember, life-improvement never comes too late. It shows a lot of confidence and endurance on our part. We can handle more than we think. What else is more important?

Tip of the Day

One more tidbit about history: during the 1800s in New England, due to the lack of books, many believed it was necessary to study the Holy Bible, so both boys and girls were taught to read from it early. This began an unquenchable thirst for education.

Our Heavenly Father has a fascinating and supernaturally powerful instruction book for us that provides, among other things, wisdom, poetry, and history freely given. The Bible is a way to start building a new life. A life that teaches how to trust God, and gain once and for all, the real truth. It can help us understand all aspects of our lives as special women. He knows the best path to take in our quest to become what we always dreamed of was possible. The required reading in this “educational” course is compiled of sixty-six books into one complete lesson on love.

“Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take” (Proverbs 3:6 NLT).